Emotionally abused

Today, I need to share something very personal that has affected me for the past 10 years. and has been a constant thorn in my flesh. I have been trying to hide this for years. I have created a facade of a perfect marriage. The truth is, my marriage has been a nightmare. you see I married a monster, I don't know how I didnt see this before, and why I stayed for so long. I mean 10 years! I lost my self years ago, I have been a walking shell of my former self for years.

I decided to end the marriage by separating 2 years ago, meaning no married people privileges just two people living in the same space, trying to be civil for the kids sake. The beginning of the end was tough I felt like a failure, I was ashamed that I couldn't pull through. But as days, turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years I got a clarity. I saw a different perspective. I started to see this person for who he was, I had created a hedge around myself where there were no emotions involved just pure logic. I let my mind and not my heart do the thinking. It was a slow, very painful process full of tears, anger, regret, pain, shame, loneliness. I literally felt pain in my heart, when I went to sleep in my tear soaked pillow, trying to understand how I had been blind for so long.

The results of researching emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse shook me to my core. This describes him, completely. Shockingly textbook! I couldn't believe it! all these years I spent on my knees praying for this person, whom now I realize will probably never change. Simply because his mind tells him he is perfect, sick joke... everything finally made sense.

This article nailed it!
https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Some notes from my diary

I didnt know how bad it was, I had been there for so long didn't realiZe my self 

worth and esteem were on the ground.

I just stopped caring about myself I felt unattractive and unwanted. 

I felt unworthy of anything good. My home was a war zone I was under contant attack, 

as a result I was constantly defending myself, constantly being beatdown,

always on the defensive, trying to protect myself, my view of the world 

was altered. I was always wrong everything I did, wasn't under scrutiny. 

This flowed over to relationships at work, and with friends... I was 

hyper vigilant, suspiciious of other peoples behaviour, I felt the need to protect 

myself, sometimes I made quick assumptions because I was conditioned to, it was a

survival tactic.

I had no idea how bad it was, it was like this thing eating me, from the 

inside out, destroying me in ways that I wasnt even aware. Stealing my joy, my self 

esteem and my humanity. I became a shell of my former self. I no longer laughed 

or smiled, I was consumed with feelings of self hate, I felt very ugly, I stopped 

really looking at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't have the desire to dress 

up. I cut my hair to an inch long. I stopped exercising and dieting like I 

used to, I literally became out of touch with myself, I was there but I wasn't 

present. 

I am bearing my soul to the break silence, and to finally let go of all the toxicity and move on.
For the sake of my son and daughter who I pray for day and night. I pray that they will heal from this too for they too have been walking on eggshells. They have been exposed to this toxic, behavior, especially my son, and it breaks my heart. I can only pray that his heart and mind begin to heal.