Sunday, November 4, 2018

29 Of The Most Blatant Signs of a Malignant Narcissist

Malignant Narcissist vs. Narcissist

https://liveboldandbloom.com/08/emotional-abuse/malignant-narcissist

Another borrowed article from the link above, The writer nails it!

The main difference between these two disorders is that malignant narcissism is not a diagnostic term.
Malignant narcissism is a mix of personality disorders that are diagnosable and can be co-occurring, resulting in an extreme form of narcissistic personality disorder.
The essential feature of narcissism is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (an extreme sense of superiority), a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
However, malignant narcissism includes a bit more than that. Psychologists believe that it is a syndrome characterized by the presence of the diagnostic characteristics of narcissism, as well as some traits of antisocial personality disorder, paranoid trends, and ego-syntonic aggression.

These most severe cases of pathological narcissism are very difficult to treat. A person with malignant narcissism has the potential to ruin families, communities, and professional work environments and are extremely dangerous to have in your life.

How to Deal With a Malignant Narcissist

Having a narcissist in your life creates a toxic relationship that is very difficult to cope with.
It is frustrating to interact with such an extreme narcissist — much more so than dealing with someone who has some narcissistic traits but isn’t completely lacking in self-awareness and the capacity for change.

When it comes to the more destructive, harmful variety, the slightest suggestion that something may be wrong with this person is perceived as so threatening that he or she will have a fierce urge to strike out.
The problem with dealing with narcissists successfully is that confrontation is rarely effective. They take criticism as a threat and fight back.A better way to approach disagreements with a narcissist is to keep your frustrations to yourself.
The best way to keep this sense of superficial peace is to accommodate or pacify them until you can extricate yourself from the relationship.
If you cannot get away from a narcissist (because they are your spouse, boss, etc.), then it is important to realize that attacking back will only feed their narcissism, which can put you in an even tougher situation.

How do you know if you have a malignant narcissist in your life?Let's review some clear traits of malignant narcissistic behavior.
While having one or two of these characteristics does not automatically categorize someone as being a part of this population, knowing the signs will help you understand the disorder.

29 Of The Most Blatant Signs of a Malignant Narcissist

1. A Sense of Entitlement

It is normal for everyone to feel a bit entitled during certain times in their lives, such as a birthday or a personal celebration of some sort, but a malignant narcissist feels this sense of entitlement every day.
A malignant narcissist has constant unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment. They also feel entitled enough that they believe other people should automatically comply with their expectations.
This means that while it may be your birthday, the malignant narcissist feels like they deserve a gift more than you do.

2. An Exaggerated Sense of Self-Importance

Having confidence is great, but narcissists display an immeasurable amount of confidence and expect to be recognized as being superior people, even if they lack the corresponding achievements.
A malignant narcissist will often exaggerate or lie about their past accomplishments and talents in order to gain a sense of recognition.
However, they lack the innate sense of right and wrong to ever come clean to the people they deceive.

3. Preoccupation with Fantasies of Power
Narcissists are constantly thinking about their power, success, brilliance, and beauty. This gives them a tendency to seek out leadership or high-profile positions or careers.
Because of their need to be the center of attention in a working group or social situation, when they are not in this position, they spend time fantasizing about it and planning ways that they can get there.

4. Grandiosity

A person who is grandiose believes that he or she is so unique that they can't be understood by anyone who is not at their top-level status.
They have an unrealistic sense of superiority, believe they are better than everyone else and look upon other “inferior” people with contempt.
They adopt the stance that “I am everything and you are nothing, I have everything and you have nothing.”
They also believe they should only associate with high-status people or institutions. They only want to be associated with other people who are perceived as being successful, rich, and beautiful.
Finally, they help themselves to special privileges or resources that are not theirs because they believe they deserve them due to their superiority.

5. Paranoia

Paranoia can be described as feeling excessive suspicion without any justification.
People with paranoia may believe other people are plotting against them or over-analyze everything that other people say. They are often quick to criticize others but certainly are not open to criticism themselves.
We all feel a bit of this at times, but someone who is truly paranoid actually loses touch with reality.
For example, let's say you are walking through a crowded coffee shop and someone accidentally bumps into you.
You probably acknowledge the mistake with the other person and then move on. However, people suffering from paranoia may believe that this person was intentionally trying to cause them harm, perhaps steal their money, or was specifically targeting them for some reason.
Malignant narcissists are especially paranoid that other people may be trying to take their power away, hurt them, or take things away from them that they feel like they deserve.

6. Egocentricity

You can probably think of someone in your life who has an ego that is out of control.
This is the person who talks about themselves all the time, fishes for compliments, and pretty much acts like the world revolves around them.
However, it is easy to be egocentric without being a malignant narcissist. A person who is simply egocentric can still accept someone else's point of view.A malignant narcissist, on the other hand, can become enraged if someone doesn't see things their way.

7. A Lack of Empathy

A malignant narcissist is completely unable to put his or herself in someone else’s shoes, which means they will never feel any remorse for their actions.
Malignant narcissists lack the ability to comprehend what other people may be feeling or to empathize with others. Further, malignant narcissists often believe that they have been the victims of the mistreatment.

Imagine confronting someone who has hurt you, and once the conversation is over, you've somehow accepted all of the blame for the other person's actions.
This is an example of what it would be like to deal with a person who lacks empathy. They have absolutely no remorse or conscience.

8. Cruel and Sadistic

Malignant narcissists can be especially cruel to the point where they actually enjoy causing other people pain, either mentally or physically.
This sadistic quality of enjoying the suffering of others can come in two forms — vicarious sadists and everyday sadists.
A vicarious sadist is a bit more benign in the sense that they might enjoy killing an opponent in a video game, but they never actually participate in harming another person.
An everyday sadist, which describes a malignant narcissist, is willing to inflict harm upon or humiliate another person and enjoy the process.

9. Manipulation

While we all try to use a situation to our advantage at times, a true manipulative nature causes a person to do this all the time.
Manipulative people are not interested in other people unless they are using the other person as a vehicle to help them gain control in some way.
When you first meet someone who is manipulative, he or she may seem charismatic, genuine, and appreciative, but they often resort to gaslighting.
Manipulators take things that other people say or do and twist them so much that their victims often end up confused and questioning their own reality.

10. Projection

Projection is when someone transmits their actions onto someone else.
For example, let's say someone stole something from a store and then turned to the person they were with and called them a thief. That is projection.
This leads narcissists to avoid recognizing their own shortcomings by attributing them to other people.
They may be aware that these shortcomings exist, but they would never admit them. They simply insist that everyone else is guilty of doing what they're doing.

11. Requires Excessive Admiration

While it certainly doesn't seem like it, malignant narcissists have an extremely fragile self-esteem.
They require constant attention and admiration to alleviate their own concerns about how well they are doing or how loved they are.
Narcissists want to be welcomed with adoration and want others to feel indebted and awed because the malignant narcissist has gifted them with his or her presence.

12. Interpersonal Exploitation

Malignant narcissists expect to be given whatever they want, despite what the cost might be to other people.
For example, a boss who is a narcissist may overwork his or her employees without considering the negative impact that it might have on the employees' lives or wellbeing.
They also typically only form relationships with people whom they presume can advance their motives in some way.
In this case, the narcissist will give the relationship only as much time or effort as is absolutely required to get what they want.

13. Overestimates Others' Concern for Their Wellbeing

Malignant narcissists often assume that the people around them have an intense concern for his or her wellbeing.
Because of this, malignant narcissists tend to talk about their own problems or concerns in extensive detail, without stopping to recognize that other people have problems also.
However, if someone tries to talk to a malignant narcissist about their own problems, that person receives contempt and impatience from the narcissist.

14. Envious of Others

Malignant narcissists often resent other people's successes or possessions because they feel more deserving of these things.
They may brutally belittle the contributions of others, especially when others are receiving acknowledgment for their achievements.
For example, if a co-worker receives an award for grossing the most yearly revenue for the company, a malignant narcissist might tell other people that the recipient of the award cheated in some way or the process was rigged.
He or she would be unwilling to accept their co-worker's success and be happy for them.

15. They Easily Lash Out

Narcissists get very angry and are willing to humiliate others at the most minor offenses.
For example, if a malignant narcissist is telling an exaggerated story about an extreme adventure that they went on and someone questions the validity of the story, the narcissist would be prone to making a counterattack.
In this case, the narcissist might fight back by saying something like, “How would you know, it's not like you have the money to take the kinds of trips that I take.”
Because narcissists have a hyper-sensitive and fragile ego, they have to convince people that they are always right.

16. They See the World in Only Black and White
To a narcissist, you are either their friend or their enemy. Things are either good or bad. You are either right or wrong.
They live within the contours of extremism, while other people are able to appreciate the various shades of gray in the world.
This primitive way of thinking is one reason why narcissists cannot accept their own failures. Failure is impossible to confront because there is an extreme amount of energy placed on being right.
Black and white thinking is an unfortunate default method against the world's complexities that most people grow out of as young children.

17. They Seek to Win at All Costs

The worst part of trying to win at all costs is that it usually involves cheating or hurting other people. However, this doesn't bother malignant narcissists.
They have such a deep-seeded need to be right and to be the best that their very survival depends on it. They will not give up until they have torn other people down to make themselves feel (and appear to be) superior.
They will do whatever they have to do to prevent themselves from experiencing loss, failure, or inconvenience.

18. They Resist Treatment

Malignant narcissists scoff at the idea of going to therapy. They tend to be happy because they never face the negative consequences of their disorder — only their victims do.
Because people usually go to therapy due to experiencing discomfort, malignant narcissists wouldn't feel the need to seek treatment.
If therapy does occur and a doctor suggests to a malignant narcissist that they might have this disorder, it would not be uncommon for the malignant narcissist to claim the doctor is crazy in some way.

19. Deceitfulness

Narcissists are often deceitful to get personal profit or pleasure, including power, money, and sex.
They regularly lie, malinger, con people, and are known to use aliases to get their needs met.
Additionally, many will become enraged if their lies are challenged by truth or facts.

20. They Seem Especially Charming at First

When you first meet a malignant narcissist, you may be amazed by their charm, charisma, and achievements. This is their way of trying to win you over.
Sometimes they offer gifts, charming words, admiration, or compliments that you truly want to believe.
It is understandable why someone would be attracted to such a person, but it can also be dangerous. If something looks too good to be true, it usually is.

21. They Are Shallow

Malignant narcissists are not emotionally regulated and have beliefs that go from one extreme to another.
Their decisions often hurt other people because they rank their relationships and the people they meet based on superficial standards.
They have an innate need to land on top, even if they are pretending to be altruistic or participating in an activity that is not all about them.

22. Dependant on Others' Views of Them

Narcissists are completely dependant on the world's views of them.
They need the world to constantly feed them the message that they are the best of the best and superior in some way.
Any negative opinion from others will cause a narcissist much pain.

23. Reject Social Norms

Malignant narcissists don't find value in acting according to social norms because they believe society is beneath them. They don't see the point in trying to be tactful or avoid hurting people.
For example, a narcissist would reject the social norm of treating others as they would want to be treated.
They also don't value integrity or honesty and are willing to steal. They certainly show bad behavior without being bothered by it.
Rejecting social norms does not mean conforming to everyone around you, but rather it is more about being defiant of the basic principles on which our society is based.
This also means that people with malignant narcissism are willing to do illegal things without having a second thought.

24. Not Introspective

Malignant narcissists are never introspective. It may seem counterintuitive to have endless self-absorbance and self-reporting without any introspection, but this is a very different thing.
Narcissists never look at themselves and wonder what they could have done wrong or differently.
They certainly spend a lot of time obsessing over themselves, but they don't spend time considering how their words or actions impact other people.

25. Insecure Attachments

Malignant narcissists form insecure attachments with other people. This relationship style is one in which the bond is contaminated by fear.
Narcissists want to have followers, but because they have a deep-seeded low self-esteem, they are paranoid that people will try to turn against them.
They love and need people to follow them so they can rise to power.

26. Tries to Elicit Empathy

While the malignant narcissist will not offer empathy, they try to get it from other people by talking about others who have hurt them with an aggressive edge of anger.
The narcissist may present themselves as a victim, while also being bold and charming, so people will want to support them.
Often, their attempts at gaining empathy are through lies or extreme exaggerations of the truth.

27. Willing to Hurt People

As previously mentioned, the malignant narcissist is very quick to hurt someone emotionally, but they are also willing to hurt people physically.
If something is standing in the way of what they want, they will not hesitate to use physical force to remove the barrier.
They are also willing to become violent during fights or disagreements with others in which their superiority is being questioned.

28. Inexplicable Hatred

Malignant narcissists hate without a reason.
This often causes people around them to internalize these feelings of hatred and blame themselves for the abuse, which is particularly harmful to children of narcissists.
This negative self-assessment never seems to end as long as the malignant narcissist is around. But there is no logical defense of their hatred, nor is it anyone else's fault.

29. They Achieve Success in the Business World

Many malignant narcissists are able to work themselves up to the top and become CEOs or leaders in some way. This is often because they will stop at nothing to gain that power and control.
However, they will not be so successful in their personal lives.
Exhibiting these behaviors in a cutthroat business world may provide them with success, but these behaviors in a social world are not as effective.
It is easy to get wrapped into a malignant narcissist's web at first, but often, after someone sees how toxic this person is, they no longer associate with them.

Final Thoughts
With this comprehensive list, one may assume it is always easy to spot someone with malignant narcissism. But it is not always as simple as it seems.
If a malignant narcissist is an effective and believable storyteller, people around him or her who are well-meaning will unintentionally support his or her destructive tendencies and actions, reinforcing to the narcissist's abhorrent behavior.
The best thing you can do for your own mental health and well-being is to get away from this destructive personality. Don't waste your time trying to change or help a malignant narcissist because he or she will not change.
If you are in an intimate relationship with a malignant narcissist, you may need the support and guidance of a trained therapist in order to safely leave the relationship.

https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

What you'll learn about signs of emotional abuse:

Domination and controlling tactics
Signs of verbal abuse
Demanding and unreasonable expectations
Emotional blackmail tactics
Mental abuse characteristics
Psychological abuse and crisis creation
Character assassination efforts
Gaslighting techniques

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.
In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.
It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.
It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial abuse and control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.
Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.
They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.
Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).
Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.
The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.
But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics

1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it’s worth. If you don’t obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn’t like the idea of sharing you with anyone—even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.
As a result, you feel like you’re under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you’re up to no good—except you aren’t a child.
You’re an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference

5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.
He doesn’t want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn’t really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?
Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.
You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an “allowance” from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.
All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.
You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, “I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them.” Or, “If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me.” Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.
And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.

Signs of Verbal Abuse

9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.
Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you’re trying to talk.
Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eye

10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.
If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes “jokes” at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the “joke.” She isn’t kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.
You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.
Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.
Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.
It’s an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you’ll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.
Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.
He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.
Once you’ve been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.
They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.
You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention—and that’s exactly what your abuser wants.
15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.
Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations

16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
“The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now.” “Make me a sandwich. I’m hungry.” “I’m tired of listening to the kids’ whining. Do something about it.”
You aren’t treated like an equal adult in your own home. You’ve been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn’t get demands met.
If you don’t jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you’ll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.
He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.
Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.
You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you’re living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.
They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
“I just can’t cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner.” “The kids never listen to me. You tend to it.” “Paying the bills gives me anxiety.
You need to handle it.” Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It’s like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.
You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.
You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.
24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.
If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care — especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.
There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.
If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter — unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail

27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That’s why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. “I thought you cared about me? Why won’t you do this?” “If you were a real gentleman, you’d be happy to buy me a new car.” Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.
You don’t have a right to say “No” without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you’ll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn’t seem uncomfortable at all with it.
In fact, she’s happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn’t mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you’ll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.
When you don’t submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you’re not going to get any sex.
31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, “What’s wrong? Is everything OK?” Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.
You’ve learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you “that look” — the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, “You better stop now or else.”
It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse

33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a “Jekyll and Hyde” temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she’s so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.
One minute he’s laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he’s barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner’s hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You’re in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who’s boss and that you’re not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn’t like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can’t get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn’t have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.
She doesn’t need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it’s just a hair’s width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation

38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.
She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He’s sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.
39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It’s your child’s birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You’re in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing—except him.
He interrupts to tell you that you’re telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can’t stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you’re getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son’s basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.
The emotional abuser knows what you value and what’s important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, “There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it’s time I find one.” Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, “I’m done with this crap. This marriage is over.” Even if you know it’s an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination

44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there’s an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what’s going on.
Even if your friends and family don’t believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
“When are you going to lose weight? I don’t want to be with a fatty.” “How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!” Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you’ve enjoyed, whatever achievements you’ve obtained, whatever goals you set—your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won’t see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you’ll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.
You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn’t capable of showing these emotions or doesn’t know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel “lesser than.”
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she’ll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.
She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques

51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she’s lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt—or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you’re being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.
No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn’t. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he’s relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you’re going crazy. You’d feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you’re feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.
Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what’s happened here? You’ve completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it’s conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he’s pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you’re watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It’s like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn’t drink so much if you weren’t so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don’t show her enough love. Whatever your abuser’s bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren’t true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You’ve offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.
But nothing is going to convince him that you aren’t lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren’t at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.
He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.
If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.
For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.
You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.
Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:
Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves — even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.
Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.
Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.
Realize you can't “fix” them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated “interventions.”
You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.
Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a professional counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.
Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her psychologically abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.
According to author Lundy Bancroft, here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Make amends.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured.”

Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Emotionally abused

Today, I need to share something very personal that has affected me for the past 10 years. and has been a constant thorn in my flesh. I have been trying to hide this for years. I have created a facade of a perfect marriage. The truth is, my marriage has been a nightmare. you see I married a monster, I don't know how I didnt see this before, and why I stayed for so long. I mean 10 years! I lost my self years ago, I have been a walking shell of my former self for years.

I decided to end the marriage by separating 2 years ago, meaning no married people privileges just two people living in the same space, trying to be civil for the kids sake. The beginning of the end was tough I felt like a failure, I was ashamed that I couldn't pull through. But as days, turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years I got a clarity. I saw a different perspective. I started to see this person for who he was, I had created a hedge around myself where there were no emotions involved just pure logic. I let my mind and not my heart do the thinking. It was a slow, very painful process full of tears, anger, regret, pain, shame, loneliness. I literally felt pain in my heart, when I went to sleep in my tear soaked pillow, trying to understand how I had been blind for so long.

The results of researching emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse shook me to my core. This describes him, completely. Shockingly textbook! I couldn't believe it! all these years I spent on my knees praying for this person, whom now I realize will probably never change. Simply because his mind tells him he is perfect, sick joke... everything finally made sense.

This article nailed it!
https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Some notes from my diary

I didnt know how bad it was, I had been there for so long didn't realiZe my self

worth and esteem were on the ground.

I just stopped caring about myself I felt unattractive and unwanted.

I felt unworthy of anything good. My home was a war zone I was under contant attack,

as a result I was constantly defending myself, constantly being beatdown,

always on the defensive, trying to protect myself, my view of the world

was altered. I was always wrong everything I did, wasn't under scrutiny. 

This flowed over to relationships at work, and with friends... I was

hyper vigilant, suspiciious of other peoples behaviour, I felt the need to protect

myself, sometimes I made quick assumptions because I was conditioned to, it was a

survival tactic.

I had no idea how bad it was, it was like this thing eating me, from the

inside out, destroying me in ways that I wasnt even aware. Stealing my joy, my self

esteem and my humanity. I became a shell of my former self. I no longer laughed

or smiled, I was consumed with feelings of self hate, I felt very ugly, I stopped

really looking at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't have the desire to dress

up. I cut my hair to an inch long. I stopped exercising and dieting like I

used to, I literally became out of touch with myself, I was there but I wasn't

present.

I am bearing my soul to the break silence, and to finally let go of all the toxicity and move on.
For the sake of my son and daughter who I pray for day and night. I pray that they will heal from this too for they too have been walking on eggshells. They have been exposed to this toxic, behavior, especially my son, and it breaks my heart. I can only pray that his heart and mind begin to heal.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Its my birthday month - September!

First and foremost I want to thank my heavenly Father for bringing me this far. I am very grateful I don't take it for granted. My birthday is like a New year for me, I reflect on how far I have come, what I have learnt this past year. Goals, dreams, ambitions... etc. I started the year with one goal, well more than one. I found it easy to focus and achieve one goal at a time. I am very happy to say I have made a lot of progress. My goal was..... drum roll.... to loose the excess weight I have been carrying for almost 10 years. As a result of child bearing I love my kids... I don't think we truly appreciate or are aware of the changes our bodies go thru.

It's not just child bearing it's adulting, we have a lot of responsibilities at home and at work. Your life is no longer about you and what you want. I miss being 12 years old, all I worried about is if I was going to get permission to go hang out with my friends, good times. With Adulting comes all kinds of hormonal, chemical imbalances caused by external factors beyond our control. It seems like suddenly our lives are moving at 100 miles per hour. There are too many moving pieces, we take the back seat. The babies come first these helpless adorable little people become the center of everything we do.

Before you know it, your favorite size 12 jeans cant go past, your thighs! How? when? did all this happen, how did my thighs resemble tree trunks? all that jelly. Then the little people grow bigger became more independent and you don't feel so guilty, leaving them to hit the gym. After several 5am bootcamps, the scale stays on the same spot, the instructor tells you it's because you eat too much! You quit the stupid class and decide to hike, hike for hours... the scale starts to behave. But at a very slow pace. You need to see the numbers moving. You start researching different diets, workouts. So many experts out there. But they don't give you full information, everyone is just selling a their product. Does it work? Not really if it was so easy why are so many people struggling with weight?.

I decided to do it my way. If you tell me not to eat sugar you have to tell me why? I need the chemical facts. (C12H22O11) I need the chemistry and why and what it does to me. You tell me don't eat sugar, I want to eat all of it. And I will eat it, because you told me not to. But if you tell me... "Sugar is metabolized in your body both as a carbohydrate and as a fat. Once in your digestive tract, sugar hydrolyzes into fructose and glucose. Glucose starts out as a carbohydrate, but is quickly stored as a fat. Fructose is metabolized through your liver, and mostly converted to a fat." http://www.mynormalweight.com/blog/2013/03/25/how-sugar-metabolized/ Ooohh ok I get that no more sugar no more carbs. In November last year I stopped consuming sugar and carbs and lost 20 POUNDS IN 4 MONTHS"!!!!. All because I understood what it was doing to my body.

Then I hit a huge giant wall, the scale refused to move for months. I was working out, actually doing camp gladiator at 5 am, well I went 3 times. It was hard OMG! I could have continued if we weren't required to do jumping jacks every 3 mins and crunches or men push-ups. I feel like throwing up every-time I do crunches!. Jumping jacks hurt my hiking knees. I decided maybe swimming would be better. I went up to forty laps. One day I went to the pool, was there alone for a while, then this two dudes came to the pool and just sat in the water at one end, didn't swim. I started getting paranoid, all kinds of thoughts went thru my head,I freaked out and left, right after I left they left too weird!. Haven't been back since I need a swimming buddy. ooohhh then I did Zumba and fell in love, the music and moves shout out to Nadia our amazing instructor I can do Zumba daily if the classes were available.

So what finally helped me loose 10 more pounds? I am down 30 pounds as we speak. Hope to get to my goal weight by November 2018 exactly 12 months since I started this journey, 10 pounds to go. Had to cut back on fruit, it has sugar which is sugar. Meaning it's the same as regular sugar it's not any better because its from fruit and is "natural" its metabolized the same way. I decided to try intermittent fasting simply because I don't have the time or luxury to be at the gym daily. Besides I did it for 7 years while I was in college and it works. As a student going to school full-time and working part time I could not afford 3 square meals on a daily basis. Dinner was a luxury, breakfast consistent of tea, lunch was shared with my other broke college buddies, we split a sandwich or whatever the cafeteria served and what's dinner? That was it! I maintained a weight of 125 pounds effortlessly for years. I just needed to remind myself I don't all the extra calories. I am not a farmer, I am not doing hard labor why do I need to eat every 2 hours? Or why do I need a heavy meal for lunch or dinner. Such a simple truth. Its just that simple. It doesn't need to be so complicated. I found my solution. Its working, effortlessly, it's anti-aging, great for my mind and body and I am sticking with it. Hope you find your simple solution or truth.

Monday, August 20, 2018

This video set me free on ideas of intermittent fasting.

I love this guy, dr Diet he is amazing. So no you will not go into starvation mode if you fast and no you will not mess up your metabolism by fasting!

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

So inspired Get rid of the unnecessary to get down to basics | Colin Wright | TEDxINSA

This young man is my new muse, such great advice.

Great advice on how to teach kids about money from TED

Friday, March 9, 2018

LOST 20 POUNDS IN 4 MONTHS!!!

I am super excited I lost 20 pounds in 4 months! I will let you know how I lost 20 pounds in 4 months. What you don't know about me, I have 2 kids 9 year old son and 4 year old daughter. On my free time I hike, walk, dance, Zumba, swim... when I can. My 8 to 5 however does not allow me to be as active. Last year I spend 3 days at the gym doing intense zumba, it was fun and stress relieving. Spend the summer in the pool, doing up to 40 laps. Didn't loose a single pound, my waistline was still as wide. (Sometimes it's not the weight but how clothes fit)

Exercising with no results is exhausting. Something had to change, I looked at different diets, most of them were not very appealing been there done that with no results. After doing a lot of research I decided on clean eating I modified the Keto diet to fit me, added probiotics, (kimchi, Kombucha and probiotic pills) cut carbs and sugar (researched Glycemic index to figure out which foods are high in sugar). THE MOST AMAZING THING HAPPENED! I started losing 5 pounds per month it doesn't seem like much, but it is to me when I step on the scale weekly. I created a weekly menu that constituted mostly of fruits, green leafy vegetables such as green kale, purple kale, dandelion leaves, protein (Fish, eggs, lamb, shrimp, goat).

For breakfast I ate eggs daily, tried different egg recipes. Lunch - fruit smoothies or fish, chicken and mixed veggies (peas green beans with coconut oil, dinner - my favourite greens, Kale, green beans or dandelion leaves. I used only healthy cooking oils like Coconut and olive oil. At the beginning to curb hunger, I ate peanut butter, a piece of 50% chocolate.

I still have 20 more to go hopefully by my birthday I will reach my pre-pregnancy weight. It's been really cold I lost the weight without going to the gym, I exercise in the house but not as intensely. Changing my lifestyle was really the biggest factor. Clean eating is a lifestyle. I am doing it it's doable. You can do it!!! Do your research, know what you are putting in your body, make healthy choices. Like a wise person once said "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”

Monday, January 29, 2018

Hundreds of TOXIC ingredients in beauty products to avoid.

Since I am detoxing by eating clean, I might as well make sure that the lotions, make-up and creams I am slathering on my body have no toxins. Thanks to google there are a bunch of articles out there. Here is the initial list and article